learning about myself.

God Has a Plan.

{17:59 p.m. Thursday, January 14th}

I’m one of those people who wear their feelings like clothing. If I’m feeling a particular way, everyone can see it in the way I look, the way I act, the way I talk, in just about everything. Sometimes I’m good at putting up that good, happy, smiley Christian façade but today that just wasn’t going to cut it.

I woke up feeling my anxiety and depression crashing over me like a wave I just couldn’t outrun. I’d been shoving away these feelings for too long and it was about time to deal with them.

I’m scared.

Scared of what? Everything. What people think of me, how people think of me, the future… just typing it out right now makes a few knots reappear in my stomach.

I’m overwhelmed.

Schoolwork, college visits, having to begin to think about moving away soon and even simple day-to-day life things that don’t tire seem out normal human beings.

Sometimes I hate being wired the way I am. I’m an introvert who stresses about everything, cares too much, and almost always lets her feeling get in the way of her. It’s like Satan is standing in front of me holding these things in my face, proud that I’m struggling and not crying out for help. This is what he wants, and I’m letting him thrive in all of my weaknesses. In his left hand holds parts of me that I hate: the sensitivity, the mental illnesses and the insecurities. And in his right hand he holds everything that I so dearly care about that I’m afraid to lose: my friends, my family, my hopes and my dreams. I’ve let him take that power and allowed him to drag me along, kicking and screaming at first but now, duly letting him take me away, defeated.

But today, right now, I want to change that.

I want to regain control of my life. To stop being so terrified of life and the opportunities it brings to my plate. Things that shouldn’t scare me need to be put in their place again and reminded that they have no power over me because I have been redeemed by my Almighty Father, who has created me wonderfully and fearfully in His own image. God has a plan. I’m telling this to myself right now, over and over as a reminder that there is no need to fear or be worried or be anxious about anything at all because it is in God’s hands. And He is perfect, and He is good. No matter how bad the situation may look right now, God is going to use this. I don’t know how and I don’t know why just yet, but I have confidence in knowing that.

So as I lay here on my bed right now, make-up smudged face with my glasses askew, I realize that I just wrote this emotional, tired, confused reminder to myself in about twenty minutes. And I think that’s pretty cool. I forget about my gifts when I’m so caught up in all of my negativity. I forget all of these things I think are bad are actually blessings, and not downfalls in my life. God made me this way because that’s how He wanted me to be, and He knew I’d somehow be able to use my sensitivity, my quiet nature and my perfectionism as gift to people and to allow them to see Christ in me. God has a plan.

But wait aren’t I forgetting something? What’s an Ashton blog post without a cliché ending? Well fear no more my friends, here it is:

I used to ask God why He made me too sensitive, and He promised me that it wasn’t a mistake. He told me He purposely made me delicate, not so that I could shatter easily, not so that I could be frail, not so that I could be told I’m “too soft” whenever someone tries to touch me.

It was so I could know of the gentle beauty in living. And in my tenderness, I can love in a way the world may not know of yet. My compassion has the power to speak raging waves to calmness and I can appreciate the little things He created that go unnoticed. There is something special in being fragile, and it has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with strength.

Being sensitive is a gift, He answered, and I shouldn’t be ashamed of it.

//things I’m learning

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3 thoughts on “God Has a Plan.

  1. Hello my fellow sensitive person!! Speaking from experience, being in touch with your feelings (both good and bad) gives you this amazing ability to love with ALL your heart but also to feel hurt with ALL your heart. I’d say it’s a curse and a blessing, but definitely more of a blessing. Like you said, harness those emotions and funnel it into everything you feel passionate about… writing, helping others, photography, serving the Lord, you name it. All that’s in your heart will come bursting out and what you do will be amazing!

    Liked by 1 person

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